FilmLaughs: Cap N' Bean's Movie Poster Roulette - Issue 1

Filmgraphs hired guns Cap and Bean rifle through the movie poster bargain bin and gaze upon its horrors.


In a desperate gamble to generate more site content, we have turned to two under-qualified mercenaries who, in an inconsequential attempt to remain anonymous writing for a largely unread website, will be referred to as CAP and BEAN.They will be writing commentary on movie posters every week, dissecting art and the hard work of talented designers that they could never hope to match themselves in a thousand years. Since they are both impoverished drifters, this week they went through the movie poster bargain bin, hoping to find cheap alternatives to decorating their cardboard box homes or extra lining for their jackets to stave off the cold Canadian autumn.

Minority Report

CAP: I can’t even begin to fathom how this movie poster came into being. This idea depicts literally ten minutes of like a side-story in the two hour movie.

BEAN: Let me tell you, I watched Minority Report based solely off this poster and was sorely disappointed when I found it wasn’t a documentary about unnecessary eye surgeries.

CAP: This would be like being commissioned to make a movie poster for The Avengers and then making it Iron Man eating Shawarma.

BEAN: You mean it would be “fucking rad"?

Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa


BEAN: Classic color scheme of yellow and slightly less yellow.

CAP: Why is the lion so surprised? Did the artist literally take a camera photo of a real lion, shocking said lion, and use that as a model?

BEAN: The lion was surprised that a movie about escaped zoo animals had enough of a plot to garner a sequel

Detroit Rock City 

BEAN: This is for the movie Detroit Rock City, by the way, in case the total lack of the title actually being on the poster misled you.

CAP: Mystery is 99% of marketing, Bean. And the last 1% is street caricatures, apparently.

BEAN: This poster tells me literally nothing about the movie except that keeping your shoes tied wasn’t really a priority back in the 90s.

Shanghai Knights

BEAN: Are they… are they kicking through glass?

CAP: They’re shattering our preconceived notions about race and imperialism.

BEAN: Why is Jackie Chan always doing some karate shit in his movie posters? We know it’s a karate movie: Jackie fucking Chan is in it.

CAP: Karate is Japanese, Bean.

BEAN: Well then obviously all these Jackie Chan movies have taught me nothing.

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

CAP: Oh, that dreamboat Elijah Wood!

BEAN: Teenage dream, Elijah Wood.

CAP: You could have told me he was 15 or 50 years old and I would have entirely believed you.

BEAN: Did you really need this glamorous close-up poster of young Eli to sell us the final entry of your movie series that we have already invested a dozen hours watching, Peter Jackson?

CAP: Of course he did, Bean! Elijah Wood is the fucking draw!

Major Payne 

BEAN: Well, this is just creepy as all hell.

CAP: Why are these cadets wearing forest camo? Is their academy on the border of Cambodia?

BEAN: That kid is shocked because he sees a surprise Vietcong bayonet charge barrelling right into the heart of their totally unprotected school.

CAP: “Good God! Why did we think kids could adequately guard a military base on the front lines?!”


CAP: A lot of hard working Americans went through a lot of trouble waiting for the perfect sunrise and training a horse to carry a backpack around, and the designer can’t even be bothered to change the title font from “Times New Roman”.

BEAN: What does “inspired by a true story” even mean anymore? Has it been proven that people give more of a shit if the events have a remote basis in reality?

CAP: I promise you, there is nothing Dakota Fanning or an actual real horse can do to make me feel the profound sadness that some 100% fictional toys made me feel when they were slowly descending to their fiery deaths.

The Brothers Grimm

BEAN: Ahhh! What the hell?!

CAP: Agreed.

BEAN: Well, nightmares here I come.

CAP: Is this some sort of interpretation of a Brothers Grimm tale? See, I wouldn’t know since I like most of America have not read any Brothers Grimm tale, which is something the studio should have considered before spending tens of millions of dollars on it.

BEAN: Was Matt Damon really in this movie? Jesus, I am old.

A Man Apart

CAP: Larenz Tate’s name looks like it’s the French translation of the movie’s title or something because of the way it’s positioned alone under the actual film title.

BEAN: Seriously. Was there no one else in this movie that they could use to fill out the rest of the poster’s cast listing? Is this movie a tale about Vin Diesel fighting Larenz Tate in some sort of post-apocalyptic last-man-on-Earth setting?

CAP: “It’s time for the battle you’ve all been waiting for: Domenic Toretto versus the guy who played Quincy Jones in Ray.”

BEAN: Quincy Jones wins hands down. The dude produced Thriller!

Hot Shots! Part Deux

BEAN: Goddamnit! How the hell do we ridicule a parody movie poster? It's like insulting a clown. Absorbing abuse is its whole reason of existence!

CAP: I like the sweet helicopter in the background. It's like the designer thought that the giant pillar of fire wasn't an exciting enough background.

BEAN: I wonder what feelings Charlie Sheen's badly photoshopped face is trying to express? I would love to see the rest of the original photo, which could be anything ranging from him trying to solve a complex mathematical formula to him ordering a cheeseburger.

All poster images taken from