Cap and Bean comment on the new releases for the weekend the only way they know how: with little to no actual research and after only briefly looking at the posters.
by FILMGRAPHS STAFF ON SEPTEMBER 19, 2014
The Maze Runner
CAP: Well, there is a maze and there are indeed people running. No one can accuse this poster of being misleading.
BEAN: “Get ready to run, kids!” “When, sir?” “I dunno. Soon?”
CAP: Run all you want, kid from Teen Wolf. You'll never the escape the invariable young-adult fiction theme of identity!
A Walk Among the Tombstones
BEAN: What are you afraid of, Cap? Death? Heights? Clowns? Guess what. THOSE ARE ALL THE WRONG THINGS!
CAP: Well, the poster has it spot on. I am afraid of Liam Neeson showing up to a funeral I’m attending, shooting me with a pistol, and presumably putting my severed head in a bag.
BEAN: I’m afraid of a world where all the stars of action movies are over the age of 60 OH WAIT THAT’S THIS WORLD MY LIFE IS AN UNCEASING NIGHTMARE!
This Is Where I Leave You
CAP: Have you ever heard of the “Seven Dwarves Theory”, where it’s impossible to remember the names of more than seven characters in a movie much less have them be properly developed? Well, this movie has eight characters and ten credited actors on the bloody poster alone!
BEAN: And the running time is apparently 103 minutes, which means each of these integral parts will have about 10 minutes each to flesh out their entire life story. What is this, my weekly speed dating seminar?
CAP: And like your sad speed dating, it’ll likely be just as awkward and unsuccessful.
BEAN: It’s that damn Adam Driver! He’s so hot right now.
CAP: That dude is in everything and is everywhere. New York. Tattooine. New York. This desert Mia Wasikowska is in. New York. The poster right before this one. Toronto for some reason. Everywhere! Adam Driver is Watching You! Especially if you live in New York!
BEAN: One lady and her dog need four baggage camels? Well, I guess women be shoppin’, amirite men?
CAP: “Leave Everything Behind" except for whatever you can pack on four camels, which may be up to 2400 pounds.
BEAN: That’s at least the weight of all my worldly possessions, including my sweet 1981 Toyota Corolla.
Poster images for The Maze Runner and A Walk Among the Tombstones taken from Movieposter.com.
Poster image for This is Where I Leave You taken from Blackfilm.com.
Poster image for Tracks taken from Ssninsider.com.