Weekend Releases for September 26, 2014

Cap and Bean comment on the new releases for the weekend the only way they know how: with little to no actual research and after only briefly looking at the posters.


The Equalizer 

CAP: A little bit of effort would have been nice, designer man or woman.

BEAN: Seriously. Whoever it was didn’t want to go through the trouble of even capitalizing letters, so they just capitalized ALL the letters.

CAP: Is Antoine Fuqua still living off Training Day? Will people still even remember that movie enough for it to be worth crediting?

BEAN: Well, it certainly sounds better than “From the Director of Olympus Has Fallen and Shooter”.

CAP: Shooter has the best named character in movie history: Bob Lee Swagger. The main guy in the movie, this unparalleled killer of helicopters and men, has the God-given name of Robert Lee Swagger. There’s no way the book was written by an American, right? This had to be someone who is writing about the American Deep South solely through rough approximation. 

The Boxtrolls 

BEAN: I’ve never seen a less appealing looking movie.

CAP: When are people going to stop using this Tim Burton style of spooky animation?

BEAN: I’m pretty sure at the end of this movie, either the Trolls will all take the boxes off in an act of ridding themselves of their reliance on them to hide their shame, or they will finally be accepted for being trolls who wear boxes, like a bunch of little idiots.

CAP: Someone tell the guy with the custom-made square net that nets don’t work that way.

The Two Faces of January 

CAP: Brought to you by Ray Ban.

BEAN: Kirsten Dunst needed them to actually cover her eyes, which are unsettlingly unfocused or googly or something. Instead, they have her sort of looking at Viggo Mortensen's fine hat.

CAP: Those are three rather different movies they listed as credentials, and at no point are the names of these fine gentlemen actually mentioned.

BEAN: Would you know them if they were?

CAP: Hey, I know things.

Jimi: All Is By My Side 

BEAN: Are you not proud of Undercover Brother and Red Tails, Academy Award winner John Ridley?

CAP: That’s not fair. What other movie has an afro comb thrown into Chris Kattan’s butt, making him fall off a helicopter and into a leaping shark’s mouth? That’s what writing is all about! Anyone who committed that joke to paper has the courage of a thousand lions.

BEAN: Watching Andre 3000 act is a crime. Not because he is bad, but because he made Stankonia and The Love Below. The guy made possibly the biggest summer hit in the history of summer hits, and now he’s spent the better part of a decade instead being in Semi-Pro and Four Brothers just so he can be Jimi Hendrix for two hours in a movie barely anyone will watch.

CAP:  Please. Andre 3000 could never match the summeriest of all summer hits, Cruel Summer by Bananarama, and upon realizing he would never reach the top, he gave up and became a mid-tier actor.

Two Night Stand 

CAP: Goddamnit, Miles Teller.

BEAN: What? Is Miles Teller of That Awkward Moment too good for Two Night Stand?

CAP: Miles Teller is consistently the best part of every movie he’s in, but since there aren’t any good roles for people his age, he’s in shit like this and Divergent for some goddamn reason.

BEAN: Would you ever use palettes for a headboard? That seems like a terrible idea. 

CAP: Maybe those are the palettes that held mattresses and furniture and not toxic waste.

BEAN: Why even take that chance? Literally anything stiff and board-like can be a headboard. I've seen someone turn a beautiful painting of a dog looking over a beach into a headboard.

Poster images for The Equalizer and The Boxtrolls taken from Movieposter.com.
Poster image for The Two Faces of Janaury taken from Impawards.com.
Poster image for Jimi: All is By My Side taken from IMDB.com.
Poster image for Two Night Stand taken from Filmtvmovies.com.