What movies are coming out this weekend?
by FILMGRAPHS STAFF ON February 18, 2015
BEAN: Hey, Cap! Long time no see. What’s it been? Two months? I missed you, brah.
CAP: Yeah, I could tell by how hard you tried to stay in contact, what with the no word for so long despite living in a world where text messages can be sent magically and instantly through space satellites. You truly are the Hawaiian pizza of friendship.
BEAN: Yes, I am quite sweet. What say we get to these trailers? There’s stuff coming out this week, right?
CAP: We’re a week late. We missed Fifty Shades of Grey.
BEAN: Did you watch it?
CAP: You can find that kind of stuff free on the internet, Bean. But also, yes, it was magical.
THE DUFF
BEAN: Wait? Was I the DUFF (designated ugly fat friend) in high school?
CAP: Aren’t you still? I don’t think there are term limits on that office, fats.
BEAN: I always wondered what happened to Mae Whitman after Scott Pilgrim. Turns out she was just chillin’ on Parenthood along with Lauren Graham, Dax Shepard, and all the other actors that time forgot.
CAP: Parenthood is like the D-Leagues of the television and film industry. Sure, there’s a possibility that you might one day be called up to the NBA, but the odds are so slim that you may as well just get used to living in Idaho or consider going to China.
BEAN: Goddamnit, I hate everyone who wears denim overalls. I hate them! What situation calls for jeans that partially cover your chest?
CAP: I watched an episode of Swamp People where the guy got pulled into the water by a croc, and he saved himself thanks to his emergency pistol he kept in the chest pocket of the overalls.
BEAN: I mean, that’s pretty baller, and now if that doesn’t happen in this movie I will be brutally disappointed.
BEAN: Is this what people are considering DUFF material these days?! What impossible standards are being set at this high school?!
CAP: How do girls get through their teens without getting PTSD? It’s like a minefield of perverts and judgement for 10 years.
BEAN: Woah, guys already have a term for DUFF, alright? It’s called “wingman”, and it sounds way cooler.
CAP: Yeah, because everyone wants to be Goose.
CAP: Tell me this doesn’t look like it’s a scene from Community. They didn’t even bother to give Ken Jeong a new shirt!
BEAN: You know, Ken Jeong is an actual doctor. He got his doctorate but never practiced medicine. I mean, why bother be in a lucrative, widely respected profession when you can say things like this.
CAP: Or do this?
BEAN: Great episode. I wonder if they even give him a script for his movie appearances. I feel like there’s just like a table full of executives at CBS Films who are doctoring the script and one of them just blurts out “THIS MOVIE NEEDS TO CHANG!”
CAP: And then the rest of the executives say “who? We, like most of America, have never watched Community.”
BEAN: This kid way too jacked. These casting directors should do their research. The greatest quarterback of all time looked like this the year before he got to the pros.
HOT TUB TIME MACHINE 2
BEAN: Is it weird that Craig Robinson is now the most successful of all the actors from The Office?
CAP: No, you’re just a dirty racist. And a sexist, because Amy Ryan is clearly the most successful. She almost won an Oscar!
BEAN: I don’t think there’s all that much money in inventing the internet. I looked up the two guys who actually did invent it on Google and they don’t look wealthy. They certainly don’t have Steve Ballmer “crazy dance freak out” money.
CAP: I could go back in time all I want, I still wouldn’t be able to explain how the Internet works. Something to do with buses and packets?
CAP: As much as Adam Scott will live on in eternal glory, how in the world is he even in this movie? What happened to John Cusack? Is he really in position to have such high standards as to turn down a movie with a hot tub that throws you back in time?
BEAN: He was too busy being in Dragon Blade, a movie that is essentially The Last Samurai but with the Chinese and Romans and Adrien Brody instead of the President from Scandal.
CAP: According to my sources, Adam Scott is playing Adam Yates Jr., presumably the son of John Cusack and Lizzy Caplan in the first movie, which makes perfect sense since it has apparently become Adam Scott’s life goal to be in another movie with each of his love interests only now as a family member.
BEAN: “Classic Fringe situation” is exactly something I would say.
CAP: That’s why you’re the DUFF, Bean.
BEAN: It’s “Wingman”, Cap. And watching Fringe doesn’t make you relatable to girls. Watching Pitch Perfect does, and I watched the shit out of Pitch Perfect.
CAP: Watching Fringe makes you relatable to its audience of, like, several Canadians.
MCFARLAND, USA
CAP: Are we still paying for Bull Durham? Why is Kevin Costner in so many goddamn movies again? How was Swing Vote not the end?
BEAN: What is this? A cross-country running movie? Was literally every other sport already taken?
CAP: Okay, I think we’re already too furious for not actually watching the trailer yet.
BEAN: A PG rating?! What is this shit?!
CAP: Pre-release Rotten Tomato reviews are usually not indicative of the final score, but apparently McFarland, USA is rating pretty good, which is pretty amazing considering it’s a Kevin Costner movie with the girl that ruined Homeland for three seasons.
BEAN: Somewhere in the filing room of the Disney offices is an analytically developed formula for making an underdog sports movie. I’m certain of several variables. One is the in over-his-head white man:
The haggard, overworked bureaucrat authority type:
Racial struggle:
A small-town quaintness:
A family not believing in the son:
Initial failure:
Followed by overcoming enormous odds:
The only exception is Remember the Titans, because the Titans just crushed every team they faced. And also, Denzel.
CAP: RIP Gerry Bertier.
CAP: Yeah, I could tell by how hard you tried to stay in contact, what with the no word for so long despite living in a world where text messages can be sent magically and instantly through space satellites. You truly are the Hawaiian pizza of friendship.
BEAN: Yes, I am quite sweet. What say we get to these trailers? There’s stuff coming out this week, right?
CAP: We’re a week late. We missed Fifty Shades of Grey.
BEAN: Did you watch it?
CAP: You can find that kind of stuff free on the internet, Bean. But also, yes, it was magical.
THE DUFF
BEAN: Wait? Was I the DUFF (designated ugly fat friend) in high school?
CAP: Aren’t you still? I don’t think there are term limits on that office, fats.
BEAN: I always wondered what happened to Mae Whitman after Scott Pilgrim. Turns out she was just chillin’ on Parenthood along with Lauren Graham, Dax Shepard, and all the other actors that time forgot.
CAP: Parenthood is like the D-Leagues of the television and film industry. Sure, there’s a possibility that you might one day be called up to the NBA, but the odds are so slim that you may as well just get used to living in Idaho or consider going to China.
BEAN: Goddamnit, I hate everyone who wears denim overalls. I hate them! What situation calls for jeans that partially cover your chest?
CAP: I watched an episode of Swamp People where the guy got pulled into the water by a croc, and he saved himself thanks to his emergency pistol he kept in the chest pocket of the overalls.
BEAN: I mean, that’s pretty baller, and now if that doesn’t happen in this movie I will be brutally disappointed.
BEAN: Is this what people are considering DUFF material these days?! What impossible standards are being set at this high school?!
CAP: How do girls get through their teens without getting PTSD? It’s like a minefield of perverts and judgement for 10 years.
BEAN: Woah, guys already have a term for DUFF, alright? It’s called “wingman”, and it sounds way cooler.
CAP: Yeah, because everyone wants to be Goose.
CAP: Tell me this doesn’t look like it’s a scene from Community. They didn’t even bother to give Ken Jeong a new shirt!
BEAN: You know, Ken Jeong is an actual doctor. He got his doctorate but never practiced medicine. I mean, why bother be in a lucrative, widely respected profession when you can say things like this.
CAP: Or do this?
BEAN: Great episode. I wonder if they even give him a script for his movie appearances. I feel like there’s just like a table full of executives at CBS Films who are doctoring the script and one of them just blurts out “THIS MOVIE NEEDS TO CHANG!”
CAP: And then the rest of the executives say “who? We, like most of America, have never watched Community.”
BEAN: This kid way too jacked. These casting directors should do their research. The greatest quarterback of all time looked like this the year before he got to the pros.
HOT TUB TIME MACHINE 2
BEAN: Is it weird that Craig Robinson is now the most successful of all the actors from The Office?
CAP: No, you’re just a dirty racist. And a sexist, because Amy Ryan is clearly the most successful. She almost won an Oscar!
BEAN: I don’t think there’s all that much money in inventing the internet. I looked up the two guys who actually did invent it on Google and they don’t look wealthy. They certainly don’t have Steve Ballmer “crazy dance freak out” money.
CAP: I could go back in time all I want, I still wouldn’t be able to explain how the Internet works. Something to do with buses and packets?
CAP: As much as Adam Scott will live on in eternal glory, how in the world is he even in this movie? What happened to John Cusack? Is he really in position to have such high standards as to turn down a movie with a hot tub that throws you back in time?
BEAN: He was too busy being in Dragon Blade, a movie that is essentially The Last Samurai but with the Chinese and Romans and Adrien Brody instead of the President from Scandal.
CAP: According to my sources, Adam Scott is playing Adam Yates Jr., presumably the son of John Cusack and Lizzy Caplan in the first movie, which makes perfect sense since it has apparently become Adam Scott’s life goal to be in another movie with each of his love interests only now as a family member.
BEAN: “Classic Fringe situation” is exactly something I would say.
CAP: That’s why you’re the DUFF, Bean.
BEAN: It’s “Wingman”, Cap. And watching Fringe doesn’t make you relatable to girls. Watching Pitch Perfect does, and I watched the shit out of Pitch Perfect.
CAP: Watching Fringe makes you relatable to its audience of, like, several Canadians.
MCFARLAND, USA
CAP: Are we still paying for Bull Durham? Why is Kevin Costner in so many goddamn movies again? How was Swing Vote not the end?
BEAN: What is this? A cross-country running movie? Was literally every other sport already taken?
CAP: Okay, I think we’re already too furious for not actually watching the trailer yet.
BEAN: A PG rating?! What is this shit?!
CAP: Pre-release Rotten Tomato reviews are usually not indicative of the final score, but apparently McFarland, USA is rating pretty good, which is pretty amazing considering it’s a Kevin Costner movie with the girl that ruined Homeland for three seasons.
BEAN: Somewhere in the filing room of the Disney offices is an analytically developed formula for making an underdog sports movie. I’m certain of several variables. One is the in over-his-head white man:
Racial struggle:
A small-town quaintness:
A family not believing in the son:
Initial failure:
Followed by overcoming enormous odds:
The only exception is Remember the Titans, because the Titans just crushed every team they faced. And also, Denzel.
CAP: RIP Gerry Bertier.
