Trailer Roulette: Insurgent, The Gunman

What movies are coming out this weekend?

by FILMGRAPHS STAFF ON March 19, 2015



Insurgent



BEAN: No one can resist the lure of the mystery box.


CAP: The first entry to the series was about Shailene Woodley being special because she didn’t fit within any of these identifying factions, and now even within this new unique faction she’s going to be proven the only one unique enough to open this inexplicable box. Why? Because she’s the Special, damnit!

BEAN: I didn’t finish watching Divergent, mostly because the first ten minutes were total nonsense. How did the charitable faction rise to be the leaders of this post-apocalyptic community? The warrior guys were just like “cool, that seems fair”? The smart guys were like “totally logical, bro. I’ll take orders from you chumps”?

CAP: You sure missed out on… something?

BEAN: But now you’re telling me, in this post-apocalyptic world where I imagine resources are scarce, these folks are willing to toss an entire workforce of “factionless” labourers into some forbidden lands based on the say-so of their crazy techno-Sorting Hat?

CAP: As someone who’s read the books, I can assure you that at this point of the series, you’ll have already begun to suspending your belief about pretty much everything you’ve ever understood to be true, or you would have long moved on with your life.


CAP: Boy, they sure made dodging a speeding train look super fucking boring.

BEAN: Ansel Elgort is not impressed by your hops, white boy.


BEAN: More of this ziplining business? This would be like if James Bond casually used his exploding pen in every movie.

CAP: “If you liked Shailene Woodley ziplining in Divergent, then you’ll love it when a dozen of Shailene Woodley’s friends zipline in Insurgent, coming to a theater near you!”


BEAN: Miles Teller has had a super weird career so far, has he not? He apparently just did this Divergent series for money, but as far as I can tell he’s only got a bit role in it. How much are they paying him? Are they paying him in minutes spent in Shailene Woodley’s company?

CAP: Your love of Miles Teller is strange.

BEAN: I ship real life people, bro. The Spectacular Now fo’ lyfe.

The Gunman



CAP: Was Liam Neeson busy shooting a far superior product?



BEAN: I looked up Sean Penn’s filmography. The last movie I saw him in was The Game where Michael Douglas shoots him and then jumps through a glass roof.

CAP: That’s not true. We saw Gangster Squad.

BEAN: Honestly, I don’t remember anything from that movie. It’s all a shitty blur.


CAP: What’s this woman’s role in this movie? To be perpetually clueless?

BEAN: I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that this movie fails the Bechdel Test miserably.

BEAN: Someone definitely made damn sure no cut lasted more than 2 seconds in this trailer.

CAP: Did they awkwardly cut together Javier Bardem saying “Really?” twice in the same scene or is my brain buffering?


BEAN: Pshh, Knife Man, you brought a knife to a Gunman fight?

CAP: “Naw bro. I brought two knives to a Gunman fight.”

CAP: This definitely feels like a film with Idris Elba in it, that is, a film that utterly wastes the fact that Idris Elba is in it. Idris Elba hasn’t been used properly in a film since those Toyota commercials.


BEAN: He doesn’t even show up in this trailer until the latter half, and then they can’t get enough of showing him off. Also, your statement is wholly untrue. Casting Idris Elba as someone impossibly named “Stacker Pentecost” is God’s work.