Our winners of the worst MTV Movie Awards categories
by FILMGRAPHS STAFF ON May 13, 2015
I remember the 2003 MTV Movie Awards vividly. Justin Timberlake was hosting with Seann William Scott, it was superhero themed, and it was a disaster. Justin Timberlake couldn't deliver a line (an early indication of how Runner Runner would turn out) and poor Seann William Scott looked like he wanted to die. At one point, t.A.T.u arrived on stage and made out because some dude in Russia thought it'd be a good idea. It was a mess. It took me roughly a decade and a half of life on Earth to finally catch on, but right then, when Stifler came out wearing a blow-up superhero suit and a pair of dead-inside eyes, my fifteen year-old self suddenly realized that the MTV Movie Awards were sort of maybe total bullshit.
Flash forward to the 2014 Academy Awards. Neil Patrick Harris is bombing as a host. Eddie Redmayne wins Best Actor over Michael Keaton somehow. The Imitation Game wins Best Adapted Screenplay. Neil Patrick Harris keeps mentioning his briefcase for some reason. The Lego Movie doesn't win Best Animated Feature Film because it's not even nominated for Best Animated Feature Film. Suddenly, as NPH makes a joke about Oprah's weight or net worth that lands with a sickening thud, it dawned on me. All awards shows are bullshit.
Did this revelation make the MTV Movie Awards any less bullshit? No, of course not. Does it make it more fun? Not really. It's still a shameless marketing ploy that has steadily become a teenage girl opinion validation machine. It does have one thing that makes it unique compared to the more serious awards shows, however. It has demographic that does not give a shit about almost all the categories that the major award shows do. There is no Best Screenplay. There is no Best Documentary Feature. There is no Best Production Design.
So how do you fill a three-hour time slot? You need a bunch of truly unnecessary categories. You need categories like Best On-Screen Transformation. You need Dylan O'Brien to win an award, so you make him the Best Hero. You need a category with a hashtag, because that makes everything hip and trendy, so you have Best #WTF Moment.
These categories might even be interesting discussions if MTV didn't need to give the cast of Twilight a king's ransom of undeserved laurels. So, Cap and I decided to go through some of the more obscure categories in MTV Movie Award history and make our own picks. However, we didn't restrict ourselves to one year, instead allowing answers from any point in time.
And so, without further ado, the Golden Popcorn Bucket goes to....
Flash forward to the 2014 Academy Awards. Neil Patrick Harris is bombing as a host. Eddie Redmayne wins Best Actor over Michael Keaton somehow. The Imitation Game wins Best Adapted Screenplay. Neil Patrick Harris keeps mentioning his briefcase for some reason. The Lego Movie doesn't win Best Animated Feature Film because it's not even nominated for Best Animated Feature Film. Suddenly, as NPH makes a joke about Oprah's weight or net worth that lands with a sickening thud, it dawned on me. All awards shows are bullshit.
Did this revelation make the MTV Movie Awards any less bullshit? No, of course not. Does it make it more fun? Not really. It's still a shameless marketing ploy that has steadily become a teenage girl opinion validation machine. It does have one thing that makes it unique compared to the more serious awards shows, however. It has demographic that does not give a shit about almost all the categories that the major award shows do. There is no Best Screenplay. There is no Best Documentary Feature. There is no Best Production Design.
So how do you fill a three-hour time slot? You need a bunch of truly unnecessary categories. You need categories like Best On-Screen Transformation. You need Dylan O'Brien to win an award, so you make him the Best Hero. You need a category with a hashtag, because that makes everything hip and trendy, so you have Best #WTF Moment.
These categories might even be interesting discussions if MTV didn't need to give the cast of Twilight a king's ransom of undeserved laurels. So, Cap and I decided to go through some of the more obscure categories in MTV Movie Award history and make our own picks. However, we didn't restrict ourselves to one year, instead allowing answers from any point in time.
And so, without further ado, the Golden Popcorn Bucket goes to....
Best Cameo
Actual Past Winners: Rihanna (This is the End, 2014), Simon Cowell (Scary Movie 3, 2004)
Actual Past Winners: Rihanna (This is the End, 2014), Simon Cowell (Scary Movie 3, 2004)
BEAN: In Zombieland, Bill Murray
has the best cameo in the existence of film, and it’s not even close.
Look at his reaction to getting shot. The
horror! The surprise! The regret! Look at him after Woody asks him if he thinks he'll pull through. He looks over at his killer, Jesse Eisenberg, and gives the most guilt-inducing "no" ever. It’s a goddamn masterpiece! Truly, they
really did go straight to the tippy-top.
CAP: When did you
first realize that Bob Saget wasn’t really the mild-mannered single father he
portrayed on Full House? If your
answer was Entourage, you can
kindly leave. Mine was when I was ten years old and my older, cooler neighbour
put on Half-Baked on the VCR. I don’t
remember much from that movie, but I certainly remember Saget.
There's a reason why most cameos are worthless. Most of the time, these celebrities show up and get roles that make them look funny or suave or smart (see every Entourage cameo ever). Maybe they want to help out a struggling show that they like. They will almost never agree to a cameo where they really embarrass themselves. Bob Saget basically screams at Dave Chappelle that he sucked dick for coke in a movie that not even Dave Chappelle likes anymore. It's amazing.
Boo this man!
Boo this man!
Best Shirtless
Performance
Actual Past Winners: Zac Efron (Neighbours, 2015), Zac Efron (That Awkward Moment, 2014)
Actual Past Winners: Zac Efron (Neighbours, 2015), Zac Efron (That Awkward Moment, 2014)
CAP: Has there
been a film so unfairly dismissed as 2011’s Warrior
for being just a dumb MMA movie? It might be one of the best sports movies in
the past decade, and it is driven by the excellent performances by Joel
Edgerton and Tom Hardy, who play estranged brothers who literally don’t see
each other in the film until the second last scene. What’s the last scene? It’s
the two of them in the best MMA fight scene in what will almost certainly be
the best MMA film ever. Hardy, who was carrying his Bane weight for this movie,
looks like one giant bicep and it makes you forget that he was once a clone of Picard.
BEAN: You cannot travel into the future with clothing. It’s science. The T-1000
does not need clothing to be, as we say, “Bad to the Bone”. The scene from Terminator 2 is peak Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Schwarzenegger rolls into a biker bar, which is easily one of the
top ten places that you can never simply roll into, butt naked and leaves with
clothes, a gun, and a vehicle. He takes pretty much everything of value from that place. That's more than Taylor Lautner ever did.
Best Sandwich in a
Movie
Actual Past Winners: Ham and Cheese Sandwich (Smoke, 1996)
Actual Past Winners: Ham and Cheese Sandwich (Smoke, 1996)
CAP: The real scary thing about this category existing is thinking about how many levels of interns, associates, executives, producers, and society this idea went through to actually be a category on a national television.
BEAN: Bro, it’s
hilarrrrrrrrrious. Get Delta Pi together, brah. These MTV dudes, like,
totally get comedy, brah.
CAP: If these MTV
executives aren’t even going to feign effort, neither will I, and thus I will delve
into the land of television for my answer. I’m going with Mike Ehrmantraut’s
pimento sandwich from Better Call Saul
in the episode “Pimento”, a snack which he brought in lieu of a gun. The act of
bringing “the caviar of the South” spoke volumes about Mike, who didn’t bring a
gun if he didn’t have to, didn’t bullshit, and didn’t suffer fools. A show about
Mike just doing everyday stuff is what this city needs. Also, having Jonathan
Banks show up to the MTV Movie Awards, or really anywhere and anything, would
awesome up the proceedings effortlessly.
BEAN: As much as
I think everyone would love to forget Tom Hanks’ The Terminal, my mom always loves to bring up the ketchup and
mustard cracker sandwich he kept almost eating in that movie. Apparently, there are families who, when they eat
cold cuts, put a single slice of meat in their sandwich along with various
vegetables and cheeses. We are not one of those families. We load that shit up
with every filling imaginable. Bologna. Ham. Salami. Prosciutto. Head cheese. By
the end, the sandwich is seven stories high. Meanwhile, my mom grew up on a
farm, and they didn’t perform such a gluttonous ritual. She will always
reference poor Tom Hanks, and how he was willing to get by on two saltines and
some condiments just to survive, while we kill an entire pig just so we don’t have to talk to
each other during the football game.
Best Dance Sequence
Actual Past Winners: Seann William Scott (American Wedding, 2004), Cameron Diaz (Charlie's Angels, 2001)
BEAN: Robot man,
now and forever.
CAP: What makes The Big Lebowski so good? Could you ever
convince someone to watch it with just words? "It's about an old hippie who's really into bowling who gets thrown into a Raymond Chandler book". No (It's a Coen Brothers movie? Depends who you're asking, I guess). You would show them this, and
then you would dare them not to
watch.
How many other directors would put something like this in their film? This is the weirdest part of what is already a really weird story, and it's also the most memorable.
How many other directors would put something like this in their film? This is the weirdest part of what is already a really weird story, and it's also the most memorable.
Best Summer Movie You
Haven’t Seen Yet
Actual Past Winners: Transformers, 2007
Actual Past Winners: Transformers, 2007
CAP: If there was
any doubt that the MTV Awards, and indeed all of MTV, are just one insane
marketing ploy, here is your proof.
BEAN: The nominees for this category proof that the summer of 2007 had a really shitty lineup of movies. Look at this Hall of Shame. Spider-Man 3. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Evan Almighty. Good grief.
CAP: Who accepted
the award for the winner, Transformers? What could he have said?
BEAN: I hope it
was “Thanks, MTV, for the free marketing.”
BEAN: If we’re
just basing this on trailers, I don’t think there’s anything even close to
hyping a movie as well as Mad Max is.
There’s almost no reason to think this movie is even going to be any good other
than the mania of these two minutes. George Miller’s last two movies were Happy Feet. Tom Hardy’s last starring
role was about him sitting in a car for two hours talking about cement over the
phone. It’s an entry to a series that last came out in the late 80s.
In spite of all that, look at this shit! Tell me you don’t
want to see two more hours of it!
CAP: Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation has
Tom Cruise hanging off of a plane taking off, so you can shut up about anything
else this summer being better.
Is Christopher McQuarrie going to make as good a movie as
Brad Bird? Probably not. But did Ghost
Protocol have Tom Cruise hanging onto a jet during lift-off? Definitely
not.
MTV Trailblazer Award
Actual Past Winners: Shailene Woodley (2015), Channing Tatum (2014), Emma Watson (2013)
Actual Past Winners: Shailene Woodley (2015), Channing Tatum (2014), Emma Watson (2013)
The MTV Trailblazer
Award recipient spearheads the way for others that work in the movie industry.
The award is given to an actor of young age that managed to inspire others with
a diverse portfolio of work and a transcendent reputation in the public eye.
BEAN: What is
Emma Watson’s diverse portfolio? She played a teenage wizard for roughly 95% of
her life and then she played herself.
CAP: Channing
Tatum won this as a 33 year old man. He’s older than any of the players on the
Portland Trailblazers.
BEAN: My love of
Miles Teller is on record several times on this site, and it shall not
abate in this discussion. He’s 28 and yet his filmography is as impressive as any
actor. He’s been in a very successful young adult film series (Divergent, Insurgent) and the best young adult film
(The Spectacular Now). He’s gotten
Oscar buzz for his tremendous performance in Whiplash. He can dance (Footloose).
He’s been stuck in terrible movies and transcended the material (21 & Over, That Awkward Moment). If there’s any justice in this world, Josh
Trank’s Fantastic Four will make him
a star and he’ll star in a standalone Star
Wars film and finally people will know who the hell I’m talking about all
the time.
CAP: Thanks, Don
Draper, for your typical white male favoritism. I’m going with everyone’s
favorite redhead Anna Kendrick. She nominated for an Oscar for her role as the
ambitious foil to George Clooney in Up in
the Air, and that wasn’t even what launched her career. Rumor has it, while
on an otherwise unremarkable film, Kendrick showed her director a song routine
she learned on YouTube. Surprise! This is a segue!
That film was Pitch
Perfect, and it made a bucket of money and became sort of an internet
sensation. At the same time, screenwriters and producers everywhere suddenly
realized that acting and singing might be a killer combination, and lo and
behold Anna Kendrick could do both! It’s almost a waste of a movie when you
cast Kendrick in a non-musical film. Since Pitch
Perfect Anna Kendrick has been in three other movies putting her vocal
talents on display: Into the Woods, The Last Five Years, and Pitch Perfect 2. Best of all, her
Twitter feed has made for some truly tremendous posters.
MTV Silver Bucket of
Excellence
Actual Past Winners: Do the Right Thing (2006), The Breakfast Club (2005)
Actual Past Winners: Do the Right Thing (2006), The Breakfast Club (2005)
The Silver Bucket of
Excellence is an award that was given to a film that has made lasting impact on
moviegoers and the MTV audience. It was
further defined in 2006 as honoring a "film of the past that resonates
with even more meaning today."
CAP: Ugh, this
category. You can see why they stopped giving this award out after two years. Do the Right Thing won, and their “MTV
Audience” had no idea what the fuck that was. I doubt half of them know the
difference between Spike Lee and Spike Jonze.
BEAN: To be fair though, if you're talking about a film that is even more relevant today, MTV crushed this one.
BEAN: To be fair though, if you're talking about a film that is even more relevant today, MTV crushed this one.
CAP: If we’re
going with something that made a lasting impact with blah blah blah and has
more meaning today, let’s go with Fight
Club. If Chuck Palahniuk thought consumerism and societal emasculation was bad in the 90s, he's probably not particularly impressed with us today. I don't even have to leave the house to buy shit anymore. When I order pizza, I use the online ordering option just so I don't have to actually talk to someone on the phone. All my furniture is from IKEA. Sure, Fight Club is meaningful. It was a time before it was too late. Long live consumerism!
BEAN: I watched The Mighty Ducks a couple years ago for
the first time in two decades, which is basically when it first came out in
theaters. Let me tell you, it did not hold up at all. The jokes are bad. The
story is lame. Nostalgia lionizes the film for the now late-twenties generation
who probably spent a lot of their life trying to do a Knuckle Puck. That
nostalgia doesn’t make it watchable today.
Space Jam, on the
other hand, stands the eff up.
There's a 30 for 30 documentary called Jordan Rides the Bus, which is about Michael Jordan's self-imposed exile from basketball. It was a time when he decided to be a terrible minor league baseball player before he realized that maybe he was better off being the best basketball player on the planet. Space Jam is so good that I actually believe that Bugs Bunny and the Looney Toons showed him how to love the game again! I actually thought Jordan Juice was a thing. I learned who Larry Bird was
They also play the best fictional game of basketball ever. The final score was 78-77 and nearly all those points were from dunks. The game descended into anarchy, with guns being fired and Marvin the Martian ascribing to the "let the boys play" rule. Jordan won the game with a half-court dunk while being clearly fouled / tackled. Unsurprisingly, the NBA's popularity skyrocketed after this movie came out (don't fact-check this) after kids started believing that maybe basketball really was this incredible. I'm pretty sure half the active NBAers took up basketball immediately after watching Space Jam. 2015 NBA Dunk Contest winner Zach LaVine certainly did.
"Space Jam" is easily the best movie song ever made. The opening credits are basically the 90s distilled into four awesome minutes. Why didn't they just show this at Michael's Hall of Fame enshrinement?
There's a 30 for 30 documentary called Jordan Rides the Bus, which is about Michael Jordan's self-imposed exile from basketball. It was a time when he decided to be a terrible minor league baseball player before he realized that maybe he was better off being the best basketball player on the planet. Space Jam is so good that I actually believe that Bugs Bunny and the Looney Toons showed him how to love the game again! I actually thought Jordan Juice was a thing. I learned who Larry Bird was
They also play the best fictional game of basketball ever. The final score was 78-77 and nearly all those points were from dunks. The game descended into anarchy, with guns being fired and Marvin the Martian ascribing to the "let the boys play" rule. Jordan won the game with a half-court dunk while being clearly fouled / tackled. Unsurprisingly, the NBA's popularity skyrocketed after this movie came out (don't fact-check this) after kids started believing that maybe basketball really was this incredible. I'm pretty sure half the active NBAers took up basketball immediately after watching Space Jam. 2015 NBA Dunk Contest winner Zach LaVine certainly did.
"Space Jam" is easily the best movie song ever made. The opening credits are basically the 90s distilled into four awesome minutes. Why didn't they just show this at Michael's Hall of Fame enshrinement?
And also, it has the second best Bill Murray cameo ever.
Long live Bill Murray!
